The Logical Choice
by ArwendeImladris
Summary: Jim and Spock have been together for two months, and now Jim is having doubts because Spock still refuses to meld with him. How does a couple stay together when one half holds himself separate? Spock/Jim slash.
1. Chapter 1 of 2

Title: The Logical Choice  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.  
Rating: M  
Summary: Jim and Spock have been together for two months, and Jim is having doubts because Spock refuses to meld with him. Spock/Jim slash.

*****

Jim threw his head back with a moan, his nails raking down Spock's back as the Vulcan thrusted into him at a slow, even, maddening pace.

"Spock!" Jim shouted as his lover adjusted his angle just enough to hit his prostate head on. "Faster, Spock."

Spock continued with his even pace, driving Jim crazy.

"Please..." Jim whined, clenching his internal muscles around the large, hot cock spearing him open. "I can't...I need...more!"

But Spock was relentless, not breaking rhythm. Jim opened his blue eyes, looking into the calm, placid face above him.

Spock was not even breathing hard, let alone sweating. Had someone taken a picture of just Spock's face in that moment, they would not have been able to tell that he was mid-coitus. There were no visible signs of pleasure on those exotic features - Spock might as well be at his console on the bridge.

Jim's realization that Spock was not enjoying it near as much as he was dampened his own arousal, and he reached out a hand to entwine his fingers with his lover's sensitive digits.

"Meld with me?" Jim pleaded, blue eyes wide and honest and open as he tried to draw Spock's hand up to his face.

Spock growled, slamming Jim's hand down and pinning it on the bed beside his head. His pace picked up, slamming into Jim at a frantic pace.

Jim couldn't prevent his violent release as Spock jack-hammered into his prostate over and over again, finally spilling his hot seed into Jim's pulsing channel.

Spock pulled out, rising from the bed to take a shower - leaving Jim laying there without even a kiss or a kind word.

Jim's breathing evened out as he stared at the ceiling, wondering once again why Spock would not meld with him. They had been lovers for two months now, friends for three years, and worked together for almost four.

And as Spock re-entered the bedroom, dressed in his uniform for the gamma shift, Jim reflected that he could not feel like any more of a whore if Spock left credits on the nightstand.

He didn't understand why Spock was acting like this - they had been closer when they were just friends.

Perhaps...perhaps Spock had not wanted a sexual relationship as he had? The Vulcan did not seem to enjoy it as Jim did, and if he had thought that it was only logical to give into Jim's pursuit because Jim was his closest friend, or his superior, or whatever reason Spock thought up in his Vulcan brain...

Perhaps that accounted for Spock's actions for the past two months.

Maybe being with Jim was only the convenient, logical choice.

*****

Spock exited the quarters he shared with his captain, calming with every step he took towards the bridge and away from Jim.

His t'hy'la brought out too many emotions in him - emotions he could not help but be ashamed of. Spock worked too hard to be Vulcan to allow human illogicality to control him.

And it was illogical to be ashamed of being ashamed of his emotions for his captain - for his t'hy'la.

Spock headed straight for the science station as soon as the turbolift opened up to the bridge. He had a lot of work to do, and he was glad that Vulcan meditations meant that he needed much less sleep than the average human.

Thinking of sleep and humans, his mind flashed back to Jim, lying in their quarters. His beautiful mate was probably still on the bed, covered with his own ejaculate and filled with Spock's release.

But Jim wasn't his mate, was he?

Because Spock refused to meld with him. Since the beginning of their romantic entanglement, he was afraid that if he entered Jim's mind he would not be able to pull away. During their friendship, Jim's mind had always been warm and welcoming and affectionate - and Spock sometimes felt it hard to break the connection.

He could not imagine how difficult it would be to maintain their sense of selves now - especially during sexual relations, when Jim was so beautiful, begging and moaning and spread out beneath him, desperate for his touch.

And Spock was not sure if Jim was ready for a lifelong commitment - because that was what it would be, if he entered Jim's mind at this stage in their relationship.

Spock did not want to force his t'hy'la into anything.

He loved him too much.

So he tried so hard to suppress his emotions during their interactions - professionally, romantically, and sexually - in the hope that his control would prevent him from taking more than Jim was willing to give.

*****

Jim jumped from the bed, taking a quick sonic shower and throwing on his uniform before heading to Bones's room.

He needed to talk to his best friend.

A quick chime got him entrance - Bones was reading some data on a padd when he went in.

"Hey," Jim greeted, weary but relieved at just the sight of the doctor.

Bones knew how to fix anything and everything.

His friend looked up at him, immediately knowing something was wrong.

"What did that green-blooded hobgoblin do now?" he growled, angry on Jim's behalf.

His best friend and captain only looked this defeated when it had something to do with a certain half-Vulcan.

"More like what he didn't do," Jim admitted.

"Is this about sex? If this is about sex, I don't want to know. I haven't perfected the technique to bleach my brain yet," Bones grumbled, setting his padd down and facing Jim.

The captain cracked a small smile.

"Not everything's about sex, Bones," Jim told him, appreciating the irony.

A few years ago - hell, a few months ago - he never would have been able to say that seriously.

Bones let out a low chuckle, but he didn't say anything - waiting for Jim to admit what was on his mind.

"Spock won't meld with me," Jim admitted. "I feel like...I feel like he's only with me because he has to be. We're not any closer now than we were when we were just friends - we're farther apart. He only deals with me on the bridge or when we're - well, having sex. But even then...god, Bones - sometimes he makes me feel like a whore. Like a convenient hole to vent his tensions before the next shift. I got more emotion out of him before we became involved, and I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. Does he really want me? Did I pressure him into this?"

Bones stayed quiet while Jim vented, and then he got up from his chair to pull Jim into his arms for a hug.

"Jim..." Bones sighs. "Spock isn't used to expressing that much emotion. Did you ever think that maybe you're just overwhelming him?"

Jim leaned into Bones's touch like a flower towards the sun, and Bones inwardly cursed Spock for not realizing just how much Jim needed and craved an affectionate touch.

And Jim was right, not everything had to do with sex.

"Overwhelming him?" Jim questioned, confused. "So you do think that he would be happier being just friends?"

"I think you have to make him talk about what he wants," Bones advised. "Don't assume anything, because Spock keeps what he really feels close to the chest."

Jim nodded, and that was the end of that discussion. The two best friends separated from their platonic embrace, slipping back into their more typical interactions - mainly bickering and grumbling and Jim batting his eyelashes in an attempt to get what he wanted.

All the while, Bones thought about the discussion that he was planning to have with Spock.

That Vulcan needed to have a few truths hit home.

*****

It was nearly two days before Bones got Spock alone – they were both busy with shifts, and Bones wanted to give his best friend some time to talk to the Vulcan about their relationship.

But Jim just got sadder, and his smiles just got more brittle, and Bones knew that if he didn't do something Jim's relationship with Spock was going to shatter.

And then Jim's heart would shatter with it.

So the doctor managed to get Spock down to sickbay – god knew he needed the home field advange – and into his office.

His sound-proofed office.

"Have a seat," Bones offered the Vulcan gruffly, pacing a little bit behind his desk.

"I would prefer to stand, Doctor," Spock replied stiffly.

"Jim came to me the other day with a problem, and I can't help but notice that it hasn't been fixed yet," the doctor began, watching the Vulcan closely for any reaction.

There was none.

"The captain has not come to me with any concerns," Spock answered evenly.

"That's because 'the captain' does not have any concerns, Spock. We're talking about Jim – your lover?" Bones questioned sarcastically.

The Vulcan just looked back at him blankly.

"Do you even love him, or is he just a convenient body to you?" the human asked.

"I hold only the highest regard for the captain," the Vulcan stated, bringing his hands behind his back in his signature pose.

Bones would bet that those hands were tightening into fists behind that rigid back.

"Of course," Bones replied sarcastically. "That's exactly what Jim wants in a lover. 'The highest regard'. Forget about love, and affection, and all those illogical emotions."

"I believe you are attempting to elicit an emotional response, Doctor," Spock said evenly.

Bones restrained himself from punching the Vulcan in his smug, emotionless face – but just barely.

"Well, if Jim can't elicit an emotional response from you, I know I certainly won't be able to, Spock," Bones answered. "I don't know why I'm even trying. Hell, I don't know why Jim is even trying. But I do know that he won't be trying for very much longer."

Spock's brown eyes darkened in anger, and Bones saw the Vulcan's already straight posture stiffen further.

"The relationship between the captain and myself is none of your concern," Spock declared, voice tight as he began to walk towards the door.

Bones glared at his back.

He wasn't going to let that goddamned green-blooded hobgoblin walk out on him – not after hurting his best friend.

"I'm making it my concern," he shouted at the Vulcan's stiff back. "I'm making it my concern because my best friend came to me practically crying, saying that you made him feel like a goddamn whore. How long do you think a man like James Tiberius Kirk is going to stand for being treated that way?"

Spock stopped, two steps away from the exit.

"Jim would not tell you such a thing," he responded, not turning around.

"You're willing to bet your relationship on the fact that I might be lying? Spock – I know that you don't deserve him. And I'm pretty sure that you know that you don't deserve him. But Jim? Jim thinks that you invented warp physics and then built the Enterprise just for him. And you being distant is hurting him. Maybe enough to make him leave you," Bones told him seriously.

"This is a conversation that I must have with the captain," the Vulcan stated, before opening the door and stepping out.

"You're welcome," Bones muttered to the closed door. "This is why I'm a doctor, not a fucking relationship counselor."


	2. Chapter 2 of 2

Jim walked into his bedroom, throwing himself onto his bed in frustration. It had been a long, hard day – between the accident with the Jeffries tubes in engineering, and the argument with Admiral Pike over their next mission, and the way Spock would not even look at him when they were on the bridge…

Jim groaned, turning onto his back and staring blankly at the ceiling.

He started when Spock walked into the room, stopping a few steps from the bed.

"Hey, Spock," the blonde greeted weakly, sitting up. "How's everything going?"

"I had a discussion with Doctor McCoy this evening," the Vulcan informed him. "He stated that you are dissatisfied with the state of our relationship."

"Oh," Jim replied uncertainly. "No small talk?"

"That would be an illogical use of our time, Captain," Spock told him. "Do not attempt to avoid the question. Are you dissatisfied with our relationship?"

Jim swallowed, staring vacantly over Spock's shoulder.

"Yes," he admitted. "I don't…I feel like you're not really here with me. Like you don't really **want** to be here with me."

"And how did you draw this conclusion, Captain?" Spock asked evenly.

Jim glared at him.

"How did I draw this conclusion? Maybe the fact that we've been having sex for two months, and you're still calling me 'Captain' – _Commander_. Maybe the fact that when we have sex you're always perfectly in control – as if nothing I do has any effect on you. Maybe the fact that you refuse to meld with me, and you refuse to cuddle, and you won't touch me outside of sex. Maybe the fact that I feel like I'm just a warm body – oh, I'm sorry, I probably seem cold to you, don't I? - to empty your lusts into. I'm not a whore, Spock. I need more from you that just your fucking cock!" the blonde shouted, jumping from the bed and getting in his lover's face.

Spock just stared back at him, meeting his eyes without hesitation.

Jim just stopped, incensed at the lack of reaction – but then he took a deep breath and stepped back.

"I think…I think that maybe I shouldn't have pressured you into this relationship. We were better off as just friends. I'll clear out of the rooms for the night so you can pack up your stuff and move back into your old quarters. Maybe we should have waited more than a month to move in together, huh?" Jim asked with a bitter chuckle. "But I've never had any sense of self-preservation. Not even with my heart."

Jim went to brush past Spock to get to the door, but the Vulcan stopped him by grabbing his wrist in one strong, warm hand.

"I am sorry, Jim," Spock told him, trying to meet his eyes though Jim desperately evaded him.

"I thought you said that apologies were illogical, Spock?" the human replied, trying to through the Vulcan off-topic.

"My attempts to apply logic to emotions were supremely illogical, my t'hy'la. I did not mean to hurt you so," Spock whispered gently, stepping closer to his tense mate.

"T'hy'la?" Jim asked. "What does that mean?"

"Let me show you," the Vulcan requested, slowly bringing his hand up to initiate a meld.

Jim bright blue eyes looked at his hand uncertainly, as if he could not believe that his lover wished to initiate something so intimate.

"Why now? After all those times you denied me?" Jim questioned.

"Because I can control my impulses if that is what I need to do to keep you," Spock responded, pressing his fingers to his t'hy'la's meld points. "May I initiate the meld?"

Jim gave a short nod.

"My mind to your mind," Spock chanted. "_My thoughts to your thoughts."_

Jim embraced his lover's mind, feeling the warmth of Spock's thoughts and the constant chaos between emotions and logic.

"_T'hy'la_," Spock's thoughts whispered. "Friend. Brother. Lover."

"Soulmate," Jim responded. "I thought…I thought you didn't love me."

"No!" the Vulcan denied. "Do not think such. If I lost you…"

Jim felt the echo of Spock's pain every time the Vulcan saw his captain injured, hurt.

And he felt he soul-encompassing loneliness at just the _thought_ of Jim _leaving_ him.

"Vulcans mate for life. I did not wish to bond you to me against your wishes," Spock explained, guiding Jim to feel his cautiousness and uncertainty and protectiveness and _love_.

So much love…

"You hurt me," Jim admitted, and he felt Spock's regret rise, at the thought of causing his precious mate harm when Jim had done nothing but bring Spock happiness.

Spock slowly broke the meld, though Jim desperately tried to keep his lover's mind with him.

"I don't want to be alone," the blonde admitted in a small voice.

Spock warm hand moved from his meld points to caress his cheek and slip to the back of his neck, bringing his face forward for a slow, deep kiss.

"I will never leave you – not within my own power," Spock swore, warm breath mingling with his just centimeters away from his lips. "I love you."

Jim's eyes popped open, bright blue shocked at those words that he had never believed he would hear.

"Spock…" he gasped, before throwing his arms around the Vulcan's neck and leaning forward for another desperate, passionate kiss.

Jim only pulled away once he ran out of air – though Spock, as usual, was far from breathless.

"I love you too," the blonde promised with a small smile. "So much…"

"I know," the Vulcan answered. "Your mind…it was golden and warm and welcoming. I did not want to leave it."

"I didn't want you to leave it," Jim responded. "I want you with me, always."

Spock's dark brown eyes looked at him searchingly.

"You are speaking the truth," the Vulcan said, half in wonder and half in shock. "You would mate with me?"

"For always," Jim replied, kissing the corner of the Vulcan's lips and reaching a hand out to press a Vulcan kiss to his lover's fingertips.

"Communication is essential for a healthy relationship," Spock informed him seriously. "Though I would prefer that in the future such communication not take place with Dr. McCoy as a medium."

Jim let out a bark of laughter, pressing his face forward onto Spock's chest to hide his ensuing chuckles.

"Sure, Spock – I'll leave Bones out of it from now on. Promise," Jim said, still smiling. "As long as you promise not to refuse to meld with me from now on. I want you to enjoy our love-making as much as I do, and I know you need the meld."

Spock blinked at him.

"I do not need anything but you in order to enjoy our love-making," the Vulcan informed him.

Jim frowned.

"It's nice of you to try to protect my feelings, Spock – but you're not anywhere as into it as I am," the blonde replied. "And I know the meld would make it better for you."

Spock leaned forward to bestow on his mate another deep kiss, claiming that mouth for his own.

"You tempt me so," Spock whispered. "When you are laid out beneath me, begging and pleading. If I touched your mind at such a time, there is a 98.7 percent chance that I would claim it as my own. You would be bonded to me for life – irrevocably. I did not wish to force such a thing on you."

Jim stared up at him, blue eyes wide.

Then a sexy smirk slowly spread over his features.

"You mean – you've been using your Vulcan control to keep me from seeing just how much you like the sex?" the blonde asked. "I guess I'm just going to have to consider it a personal challenge to make you show your pleasure from now own."

Then Jim leaned really close, his lips nearly brushing Spock's parted ones.

"And if you just threatened me with a proposal – you should know that Captain James Tiberius Kirk never takes a challenge lying down," with that statement, Jim turned them around and pushed Spock to his back on the bed, standing at the edge and quickly removing his clothing before straddling his clothed lover's waist. "So that means I have to be on top for this bonding. You don't let me ride you near enough."

Jim pulled Spock's hands for his face, indicating his need for a bond.

"According to Doctor McCoy, you are the stallion in the relationship," Spock replied with a perfectly straight face – though Jim could see the smile pulling at the corners of his eyes.

"But you're the one who needs to be broken," Jim informed him, unbuttoning and unzipping Spock's pants and pulling everything down just enough to let the Vulcan's hard cock out, pointing towards the ceiling.

"There are many who would dispute that statement," Spock told his lover.

Jim just smirked, pulling Spock's other hand to his mouth and quickly wetting his fingers before pushing it towards his needy hole.

"We can talk about this later – after you've fucked me and bonded us together forever," Jim told him, wiggling as Spock slipping his pointer finger in.

"Yes, Captain," the Vulcan replied dutifully.

Jim smirked down at him, writhing sexily as Spock pressed a second finger inside.

"That's enough – I want to feel it," the blonde told him, pulling Spock's fingers out and moving back to impale himself on his lover's cock. "Now meld us."

They fell into the other's thoughts – the other's pleasure. Jim could feel their bodies moving as one – feel his prostate being brushed by Spock's hard cock, at the same time that he felt as if his cock was Spock's, pushing into his tight, welcoming channel.

It did not last near enough. Jim thought that maybe he was the one who came first – though Spock's orgasm was simultaneous, so he could not be sure.

The Vulcan's hand fell away from his face, leaving Jim to stare down at his lover with new eyes.

"You're still with me," the blonde whispered in awe, snuggling down onto the Vulcan's warm chest – heedless of his own semen decorating their bodies.

"Always," Spock promised, the love finally there to see in his dark eyes.

Jim refused to let Spock's soft cock slip out of him, ordering the computer to turn off the lights as he drifted off to sleep in his Vulcan's warm embrace.

Spock didn't need as much sleep as he did – but Jim figured that the Vulcan could just deal with lying still and watching him for a while.

Spock did not tell his lover that he did not mind.

He did not have to – Jim already knew.


	3. Alternate Scene

**Alternate Scene**: This is just a different way the confrontation between Spock and Bones could have gone.

******

As their conversation drew to a close and Jim started yawning every other sentence, Bones hit the captain with a sedative and laid him down in his bed. Then he left his quarters, heading towards the bridge.

Although Spock was technically not on duty, according to Jim, Bones knew that the Vulcan would most likely be manning the science station.

And as Bones exited the turbolift, he found that he was right.

"Commander Spock, a word?" the doctor requested.

Dark brown eyes met his own, and the Vulcan gave a little nod before rising gracefully from his station.

They walked side-by-side into the nearest conference room, and Bones waited until the sound-proofed door was closed before beginning to speak.

And he was talking – not yelling – which was something he only did when he was very, very serious – and Bones knew that Spock was observant enough to pick up on that.

*****

"Do you want to lose him? Is that why you're doing this?" Dr. McCoy asked Spock in a serious voice.

"I do not know of what you speak, doctor," Spock replied stiffly.

"Can you smell him on me?" the doctor asked curiously. "He came into my room and hugged me like he never wanted to let go. Do you know why?"

Spock stared back at him stoicly, clasping his hands behind his back to hide his tension.

"You're not giving him what he needs – emotionally. Jim might act like the cockiest bastard in the universe, but if you know anything about him you know that he needs reassurance and approval and affection like he needs air," Dr. McCoy continued. "And he's either going to turn to another for what you're not giving him, or he's going to break it off because he thinks that you're not giving it to him because he's not good enough for you."

"My relationship with the captain is not your concern," Spock replief stiffly.

"Not my concern?!" the doctor yelled indignantly in response, before taking a deep breath to calm himself and level his tone. "It is my concern when my best friend comes to me nearly crying, desperate for affection and love and saying that the person who is supposed to give it to him instead makes him feel like a prostitute."

Spock's hiss of shock echoed throughout the silent room.

"The captain…Jim would not say that," Spock replied, knowing that the doctor could sense his distress.

"You're right – he used the word 'whore'," the human responded, no traces of forgiveness in his voice or on his face. "He feels like he pressured you into a sexual relationship that you're not ready for or that you didn't want, and that's why you've been withdrawing from him for the past two months. He told me that you were both happier when you were only friends."

Spock did not answer, turning from Dr. McCoy and facing the opposite wall. The doctor's statement was not true – Spock had been happier in the past two months than he had ever been in his lifetime.

But Jim…

Spock thought of his t'hy'la, of the look on Jim's face whenever Spock refused to meld their minds and whenever he left after their lovemaking – had Spock's shame of his own emotions made Jim think that he was ashamed of his lover?

Spock illogically clenched his eyes shut against that truth, knowing that he had been in denial.

And that denial had hurt his t'hy'la – his Jim – the one person who accepted him whole-heartedly.

Spock had thought he was acting out of concern for Jim when he refused to mind meld, when really he was protecting the emotionless veneer covering his feelings and harming his love in the process.

What would he do if Jim left?

Spock could not imagine a life without Jim by his side and in his bed – his captain, his friend, his lover.

"He's in my bed – I hit him with a sedative after he refused to sleep," Dr. McCoy told him after a few minutes had passed in heavy silence. "If you don't fix this, I will take him away from you – and you have to know that I have the ability to do that. A few pushes in the right direction from me and Jim would drop you like a hot potato – not because he doesn't care for you, but because he doesn't think that you care for him. Not really. And you know I could work with that."

Spock could feel the jealousy and anger and rage filling him, but he could not control himself.

If he did not, he would turn and strangle the doctor – and this time there was no Sarek around to stop him.

But the thought of Jim – of hurting Jim by hurting Dr. McCoy – allowed him to control his violent impulses.

"I'm not saying this to hurt you, Spock," the doctor continued. "I'm saying this because Jim is my best friend and you're hurting him. You're hurting him when you have the ability to make him happier than I ever could."

"You love him," Spock accused in a low voice.

"Don't you?" the doctor retorted levelly. "Make him happy, or I will."

Spock watched as the doctor walked out of the conference room, leaving him alone.

He had much to think about…


End file.
